I keep trying to tell myself “It’s not true”. “Don’t listen to those thoughts.” “You’re not alone.”
But what I feel betrays my self-advocacy.

A lump fills my throat and my eyes begin drowning
My leg tremors

The pressure continues to grow until a steady stream of release is permitted.

It’s done in silence – my family won’t understand.

I don’t understand.

How can I have all this love around me and still feel alone?

I haven’t been right since I moved here.

I can’t seem to connect.

For everything around me to be connected… it’s lethal to not feel apart

In the one place I call home

Over fourteen years, this lack of belongingness has only grown stronger

Like this lump in my throat

Everything around me falls into a murky grey and I’m sinking

But it’s better to freefall

When the pressure subsides and I’ve exhausted myself, I’m able to focus on my breathing

Tears slow to a trickle

I feel a little lighter but the sadness looms

As I struggle to accept I do not belong