This isn’t going to be easy. Per usual, I’m not sure how to start this out – so forgive me if my thoughts seem scattered. I truly wish things were different, and I know you did too.

But first and foremost…

I want to thank you for the friendship you offered. You created a space for me to be my raw, authentic self. A space that allowed me to see parts of myself I wasn’t pleased with. This friendship helped me grow through our bickering, self-reflections, mutual silence and organic conversation. Sometimes… one of us would listen while the other explored their thoughts out loud… what a healthy thing to do, indeed. Everyone needs a soundboard that takes them deeper into themselves, for clarity.

Second

Speaking of soundboards… you know how they have that echo? The same one over again until it fades? There was one theme in our friendship that echoed persistently… to our detriment. I can’t fault it. I can’t fault you. In fact, I was okay with this echo… at a low decibel. I’ve always been aware of it. But some echoes, no matter what, will demand greater acknowledgement or even reciprocation. It may grow deeper, fuller and louder. Love can be demanding. I’ve always been aware of your echo.

Third

It pains me to know what it is that you need and not being able to give this to you. I’ve mentioned before that I’d take it all away… you countered that with “why not just feel the same?”… and my heart broke for you. I’d rather remove your feelings toward me so that they could be used on someone else. Someone meant for you. I do not believe that is me.

Fourth

“Just don’t ask me why”. And then you ask. Dismay. I still won’t answer. What if my answer isn’t enough? Or even worse, what if it hurts you? What if I don’t have an answer?

I know you disagree, but I call what you’ve been through “suffering”. This whole thing has had a degree of suffering attached. It’s a leach. It took the life force of our friendship. It stripped everything away and left me bare – without our safe place.

 

The uglier part of me wants to be angry at you for wanting to love me in the way that you need to show love… and not in the way that I need you to give it. A part of me feels abandoned… though, mostly sadness… loss.

I apologize if this sounds selfish… I only want to share a small piece of my perspective.

I want to send this to you, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’d hate to… stir anything up… especially if you’re settled. So… I’ll send this out into the void for now, along with peace, calm and fullness of life.