Category: What Was Felt

How to harden your beloved

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  • Unload your worst thoughts about them and call it transparency
  • Withhold affection
  • Ignore them
  • Undermine their intelligence
  • Take their depth for granted
  • Stop getting to know them – you know enough already
  • Criticize their playfulness
  • Over explain the most simple thoughts
  • Refuse mental contribution
  • Rest in the bare minimum
  • Know nothing of selflessness
  • Change the meaning of previous statements often
  • Admit to being selfish without change
  • Imagine the worst of your beloved
  • Assume things of your beloved without seeking their input
  • Avoid tough conversations
  • Unapologetically cross their boundaries
  • Reap and deplete without sowing a seed
  • Ignore huge parts of what makes them who they are

Signs and symptoms may include:

  • Decreased vulnerability
  • Lack of closeness
  • Perceived indifference from you
  • Overthinking
  • Internal spiraling
  • Pessimistic view towards the relationship
  • Withholding feelings
  • Bracing for the end
  • Missing their partner, even though they’re physically present
  • Mental and emotional exhaustion
  • Shorter or silent phone calls
  • Surface level conversations
  • Anticipating the worst
  • Unusually seeking affirmation due to waned confidence
  • Doubt

If you notice these in yourself or your loved one, the security, trust and joy of being together has reached its sunset. The emotional damage may be irreparable between the two. However, if you’ve made vows or if you’ve witnessed a glimpse of hope, you may consider the following…

How to soften your beloved:

  • Take notice of the small things they do for you
  • Learn and practice their ways of love
  • Pay attention and be fluent in their body language
  • Consider and respect their autonomy
  • Be gently honest – always
  • Consider the impact of your actions/words on them
  • Strive to become their peace again
  • Plan an intricate surprise
  • Express gratitude for their presence in your life
  • Be so self-aware that callouts won’t feel like an attack; know yourself
  • Know that you and your beloved were created in the image of God
  • Remind yourself, the world is broken and there will always be pain in this lifetime
  • Realize that you’re deeply flawed and are in need of a savior in order to dwell with the Creator
  • Accept Jesus as Lord of your heart and mind; the Savior of your soul who laid His life down to restore humanity back to God.
  • Let your walk with Him transform your heart and renew your mind
  • Share your faith and the impact it’s had on who you are with your beloved
  • Realize you never had a full understanding of what love was until you accepted His
  • Love your beloved selflessly and witness change

three

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a poem for each person who made an imprint on my August 2025 while in Miami

Impromptu “Lyft” Driver

Timidly, I accepted your offer with suspicion
My imagination convinced me my vacation would be short-lived

With worry, I expressed a change of plans
I perceived disappointment and expected retaliation

So we brace ourselves.

But no, there was none to be found
Instead, gentleness

Where was the entitlement
The undercurrent of anger
I anticipated pressure

There was none

Simply reassurance and acquiescence
So I waited
And so did you

Within those minutes the tension grew
I began to doubt what I should do

Skepticism melted to comfort
Realizing safety was with you

Moments passed and my assigned arrived
Instant relief,
A pinch of disappointment as you followed my eyes

Swiftly, you were curbside
Making your presence known

Sparing mine, he employed strength
Bags gathered and door opened

“Take care of her”
“Let me know if you need me”

And just like that
I missed a stranger

Fellow Concert Goer

i was determined to be alone
not that i had a choice

i was determined to be comfortable
with my company and compromise
don’t compare me

i’m here now
did i mentioned alone?

time passed, now i’m surrounded

blinders on and i’ll focus on the beat
so much to see around me

light play, leaves sway,
heyyy DJ!

straight faced
i’ll lock my eyes on you
not the duos, nor the trios

i’m alone, don’t look at me
administer this courtesy

*tap tap*
uh oh, i’ve been perceived
Are you here for Chet?
i blinked twice in disbelief

God bless the fearless ones
be it pretend or authentically so

He sent you my way
to comfort my soul

the sparks in life
are few and far between

thank You for sending someone
who made me feel seen

The Unexpected Balm

Not the ride I was expecting
One question, now reminiscing

Why are you that way?

Not you just asking me this question but
now i want to ask you!

What is it that you love to do?
redirect me to my passion
life is lifeless without this fuel to action

Have you forgiven him?
I have no idea, but I won’t forgive you if you make me cry in this back seat
I’M ON VACATION

How can you affirm me whilst digging deep in my mind?
get out of there! Wait no. Stay…
just not that corner of my brain.

A father figure for forty minutes
No internal fight with this familiarity
a flight for this nonfiction?
no friction

you are welcomed here

An Hour Ago, I Was Almost Hit By A Car.

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I just finished reading the devotional of the day inside my car. I sent my friends an encouraging voice note and also asked them to pray over me… I’ve been needing my ego to take a back seat. This morning, I got to work early. The last two slices of pound cake were waiting to be heated up alongside my ginger honey tea. I popped the trunk and grabbed my work bag and lunch box. As I was making my way down the crosswalk, I noticed a green cube car in my peripheral that wasn’t slowing down. When I turned to look, I heard the car accelerate and saw the driver looking to the left (everyone is eager to get a parking spot right in front of the building). And in slow motion, I yelled and jumped put of the way. She was so close to hitting me. I was in shock. I had to be 8 feet away from the entrance of the building… what are the odds of something like this happening to close to safety. I scanned my badge, and walked into the lobby, then sat down. I tried comforting myself. I called my mom – that helped. Two coworkers witnessed the incident and couldn’t believe what they saw. I’m thankful they checked on me. The person who almost hit me came in and apologized multiple times. She said “I didn’t see you. I’m so sorry… truly. Let me know if you need anything”. But I couldn’t think of a single need… and if I had… I’m not sure I’d have wanted her to provide it.

When I reached my desk, I finished the call with my mom. Tears fell from my face and gratitude whispered from my lips. I’m sitting here now, noticing the chatter around me. The joking and laughter… the sound of typing and mouse clicks. It’s strange how my external environment is oblivious to my internal chaos. As my body regulated, I had an epiphany. All the debt I’ve been working on paying off, the plans I make with friends and family, the studying and aspirations I have would all be for nothing if I ceased to exist. Bear with me. I know financial planning and memories with loved ones are impactful but when an individual’s light goes “out” they have nothing to show for… nothing goes with you.

The most important thing worth having and maintaining is the relationship with my Savior.

Even this incident served a purpose.

Run.

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Something in me knows better

She knows it’s not safe here

Things are looking familiar

No physical danger

But an emotional minefield

Mind field

Brain & intuition at war

I’m still learning to fully trust myself

I know it’s not safe here

Where’s the security?

You’re safe in me

But myself? In you?

No. Where’s the security?

Glean never-ending reassurance

and leave me barren

You’re taking me from my element

Pulling me from my essence

and leaving me empty

I have to protect her

You’ve seen the love I can give

Your eyes grow green; your aura dark

Wanting what’s mine

I want to be wrong but she whispers

“Run”.

sink and float

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written June of 2022

this is the part where…

… i begin to question your love for me

… i read into certain actions, comments, and inflections

… reassurance is crucial for our survival

… i begin to see things that remind me of past hurts

… i worry if we’re sustainable for the long term

… i wonder if i’m suitable for long term relationships as a healthy partner

… i allow myself to withdraw

… I spill all my worries; you take my face in your hands and kiss my forehead

This is the part where you say “I understand. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Perhaps, I don’t need to tell you how easy it is to sink. All you need to do is be still… become heavy and you’ll watch the world above you move farther and farther away. Perhaps, I don’t need to tell you how easy it is to be overcome by dark water, noise and the unknown. You may know what that’s like all too well. Do you sit at the bottom of the ocean floor and feel the weight of your world compressing you? If you do, you know not to stay too long… if you can help it. I think we sink for a reason. I need to be able to sit with ALL of who I am… and I do. It’s not always comfortable. There’s beauty in madness and art in chaos. I’ll sink, sit and acknowledge but when it’s time again… I’ll push up toward the surface and inhale a cleansing breath, until my lungs can no longer expand. As I release, I’ll push my bosom to the sky and float. I’ll observe the elegance unfolding in the heavens and reflect.

Slipping

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written 4.25.2021

I want to sink my nails in and pray “please don’t let go”

I wanted to silence any doubt or worry in your mind

and yet

I wanted you to do this on your own

Deep down I don’t want to convince anyone

The more you squeeze the less they hold on

This feels like bad karma

I don’t want love if I have to plead for it to stay

I need to have enough grace and security on my own that I feel comfortable releasing a person

no matter how much I want them

So I’ll practice relaxing my grip – no holding on for my dear life

I’m use to holding my breath but I need to welcome the exhale

always exhale

if you feel someone slipping be sure about it… and let go.

_______________________________________________________________

a video

Can We Just…

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written 4.25.2021

embrace and fall underwater

create a world where it’s just us

let everything around us fall silent

muffled

be the only ones that exist in this space?

Read learn and understand each other?

We can study each other’s ways

Fall deeper into unknown spaces

deeper into darkness deeper into newness – unfamiliarity

can we slowly sink to the ocean floor

until our feet gently rest on the sand

and we take in the world around us

otherworldly, majesty

feel the pressure and behold the scenery

can we just look at each other and realize the depth and beauty that surrounds us is the same as what’s within

——

Exploring a love interest should be done s l o w l y. Imagine plummeting to the ocean floor. Too much too soon. Our bodies will implode, no? A force like that should be respected. Ease your way through. Don’t force gravity. Take your time and be intentional. You’d hate to miss anything. Enjoy the process of discovery.

Besides… Rushing could be painful. Fatal.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

a video.

A Close Call: Reflection on Mortality

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– transcribed from a recording taken after the experience, while sitting in the car –

Last Wednesday’s Event

It was about a week ago, I was sitting on my couch and I had my arm resting on top of my sectional. One of my cats, Mia, was sitting to the left of me and she looked like she wanted to jump up but something was stopping her. For some reason, I felt annoyed that she wouldn’t just do it. I said “Mia, Jump! What’s stopping you?’ and I gave her a little nudge. She jumped up but her rear feet scratched my arm a little bit and it *h u r t*. I was upset. Out of frustration, I gave her a push *nervous laugh* I didn’t mean to do that. I shouldn’t have done that. Understandably, she didn’t want to fall off the sofa, so she used her strength to stay on. Her back right foot scratched the heck out of my left index finger and it *b u r n e d*. I sat there as my frustrations dissolved — distracted by the pain in my finger. I looked at Mia and I said “I’m so sorry… You didn’t wanna jump and I made you jump.  I shouldn’t have pushed you, I’m sorry. It’s my fault that I’m bleeding.”.

Flesh

I watched the skin. I saw the cut from the top left of my finger, to the bottom right and it just burned. I could feel the blood beginning to pool to the center of the wound. In that moment, I sat there with it because I  hadn’t bled in so long. I hadn’t had a wound… paper cuts is usually as exciting as it gets for me. I haven’t fallen and scratched a knee in years and I’ve never broken a bone. My last injury where blood was present, was my freshman year of college. So with this, I sat with it… because it reminded me just how fragile I was… I am. Flesh is so delicate. I realize I move through life without acknowledging the extent of my mortality, until today.

The Close Call

During my lunch break, I decided to go fill up on some gas because I had 12 miles left in my tank. I went to Great Stops. On my way back to the office, I took O’Henry. I waited in my turning lane and to my left I saw this huge truck that moved into its right turning lane but continued straight. It continued straight where it wasn’t suppose to continue straight. There were diagonal lines in the lane in which he drove. His truck was coming straight towards me. I thought “Oh shit… he’s about to hit me.” This huge 18-wheeler on O’Henry Blvd., also known as “Death Valley” was about to hit my 2-door… and it was by the grace of God that I was able to act. I quickly shifted my car into reversed and I hit the gas and I was able to move out of its way. He didn’t honk at me… I think he knew he was in the wrong. His truck was sooo close to my car as he passed.

Definitely Destructible

If we made impact, the front of his truck would have hit me directly: on the driver’s side. Lord knows if I would have survived it. Everyone ignores the speed limit on O’Henry. In fact, people drive so fast there that I’d say it’s unsafe to do the speed limit. In that moment, I realized again my mortality is so real — not that I believed otherwise… But I’m not consistently reminded that I’m only here for a moment. That my body is not titanium… It is not made of diamonds.

I am physically destructible. I am a bubble, easily popped. We all are.

And I’m thankful that the worse didn’t happen.

consequence

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it’ll catch you off guard, set your world on fire 
and then die slow 
if you don’t tend to the flame 

it’ll start sweet, soft and rich 
then dry and harden  
should you abandon it 

it’ll pass through the night sky 
in a blink – unnoticed
if you don’t keep watch  

it’ll rob you blind in time 
if you don’t decide soon, 
whether to stay or go 

it’ll strip your joy, your essence  
if you ignore the answer 
you long knew 

it’ll return again and again, 
until you practice what you know 
you should do 

Dizzy On The Comedown

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As a helium balloon escapes its room

It reaches for the sky, just as flowers bloom

Then realizes the heavy, imminent danger

Watches warm pleasure turn into a cold stranger

This free leaf lands into an inviting river

Seduced by flow, feels one with her

A frightful torrent loomed around the bend

The life leaf once knew would soon end

Chasing a feeling is like chasing the sun

While ignoring the signs of inevitable outcome

But even the ending is blessed with grace

With colors in the sky… and sadness upon face

Free-falling from the zenith of hope’s comfort

Chastisement of rushing wind is a familiar sound

Reluctantly closing the faucet of my effort

I

find

myself

dizzy

on

the

comedown