| mind | travel | emotion |
…so she said
“Stop coming around this way
Knocking, knocking on my door
You’re irritating me
Whenever I hear from you,
It’s a false cry
It’s never what it seems
You’re bothering me
I’m not ready to see you
You’ve never seen me
You only heard of me
Like my voice through this door
You heard of what I can do
You don’t know first hand
Now stop knocking
Pain and I are of the same coin
Don’t come back until it’s real
I warn you out of love”
I left the house at 6:51am
I locked the door and turned around to head to my car
And this Moon
This Moon took my breath away
This Moon looked right through me
She was full, bright and bold
She was knowing
The morning fog could not dilute her luminescence
I was mesmerized
I stood and stared in awe
The timing and position
Everything lined up perfectly
As if You were waiting for me
Did You have a message?
Was this confrontation a fierce reminder?
She had an unspoken warning
I stood and stared…then shivered
As though I had no right to take in such beauty
Directly and for so long
I began my commute and she followed
The first fog of the season
Brought Grey Northern Lights
But only through Her presence
Her light poured over and through the land clouds
Light and dark grays danced gracefully in my atmosphere
But the beauty witnessed would not be possible without Her
This Moon sharply reminded me, as She began to set
and the sun began to rise without color in the sky
I keep trying to tell myself “It’s not true”. “Don’t listen to those thoughts.” “You’re not alone.”
But what I feel betrays my self-advocacy.
A lump fills my throat and my eyes begin drowning
My leg tremors
The pressure continues to grow until a steady stream of release is permitted.
It’s done in silence – my family won’t understand.
I don’t understand.
How can I have all this love around me and still feel alone?
I haven’t been right since I moved here.
I can’t seem to connect.
For everything around me to be connected… it’s lethal to not feel apart
In the one place I call home
Over fourteen years, this lack of belongingness has only grown stronger
Like this lump in my throat
Everything around me falls into a murky grey and I’m sinking
But it’s better to freefall
When the pressure subsides and I’ve exhausted myself, I’m able to focus on my breathing
Tears slow to a trickle
I feel a little lighter but the sadness looms
As I struggle to accept I do not belong
By blood
My kin
Our Skin
I long to, but I can’t reach you now
I’d put the world on pause, suspend the orbit
Stop time
Yes, hold that breath
I’ll be there in a sec
Just to get to you
Deserts flooded by tsunami
God’s tears have fallen
Heaven silenced by thunder
The earth mourns by quake
Borrow sun’s fire
Power my hot air balloon
595 mph that way, please
….Now is moon rise
Snatch the stars out the sky in exchange for a ride home
Take me nine hours west
My blood needs me
….There are no stars over Hatay
My brother, when you cry, I cry.
It’s hard on me now, that I can’t be by your side.
How could you not notice…
I am the warm tones of golden hour
The blue flame to your fire
The twilight at dusk
The Ocean’s deep hue
Open your eyes
I am the heat you desire… in the dead of winter
The cool breeze on the nape of your neck
Kisses on your fingertips
Warm blankets from the dryer
Scratches on your back
Velvet on your toes, silk on your skin
You feel that?
I am the heavenly scent in your favorite bakery
The earth after rain
The fresh soil in your garden
Grandma’s house on Thanksgiving
The wood burning in autumn
Inhale me
The smooth bourbon on your lips
Warm honey on your tongue
The cumin in your curry
I am buttered popcorn
Savor me
I am the waves crashing in the Pacific
A saxophone’s full note
Summer’s thunderstorm
Leaves rustling in the wind
A moment’s silence
You should’ve listened
All you sought was just before you.
Stay up, to witness the eclipse
The sweet moment you realize who I am will be met with the bitter taste of my absence.
I find myself looking for someone like you but I realize my version of you is much sweeter. 12.21.18
That’s when I realized: I never fell in love with a real person. It was their potential… or who I would hope they’d become. I ignored red flags because I convinced myself that this person is evolving into the one I need them to be. Sounds self-centered, huh? That wasn’t my intention. If I can become the one you need, then why can’t you? Never mind that. I don’t need an answer. I don’t want an explanation. I really just want my time back but that’s a moot point. But wait, no…
You see, I’ve learned something about myself during what seemed to be a grand waste of time. This is something I needed to know. I NEEDED to know this.
It’s just that… I long to love so badly, that I will love the wrong person, intentionally.
Because the act of loving is cosmic and in this act I am in my essence – the only place I want to be.
I understand a little better now. The days of loving mirages are no more.
Zaira Viteria
I didn’t think much of you when we first met.
I thought you looked funny, a little awkward.
Our conversation was fluid because you were so open.
I wouldn’t want that to change.
I felt comfortable opening up. As you continued to share, the more I learned about you
And what you like. And I realized, quickly, I wasn’t your ideal.
That didn’t bother me because I didn’t expect to feel anything for you.
But then you invited me over for a second time.
You laid on the couch and I on you. Your warmth kept me comfortable
Your scent intoxicated me. I wanted to nuzzle your neck but it was too soon.
Broad shoulders, strong arms, and secure hands… my kinda cocktail.
Closeness. I missed feeling so close to someone.
His attraction was evident and he was mindful. His self-control admirable.
His patience made me less of an angel
His patience seduced me. I began to crave his hold.
And in the blink of an eye… I became a lapdog. I responded to texts faster. I reached out.
Suggested ideas. I needed a reason to be near him.
The more time I spend in his presence, the more devoted I become.
I think he’s oblivious.
I want him to call on me when he’s in need.
I yield to him because he knows how to lead.
A dark first kiss and I’ve been caught in his web.
But then it dawned on me… I’m not supposed to be here
Remember… you know what he likes.
But I’ll be his prey if I know I’m his only supply.
-Zaira Viteria
How many times can a Phoenix rise?
Before she is burnt out?
Before she taps out…
Or is each rising a renewal of strength and grace?
Father, please make me like the Phoenix.
Your warm embrace left daggers in my back… and pushed the old ones further in.
I only wanted warmth.
I’ll never know the pain Jesus felt. He continued to love, through his torture and death.
I won’t. Not for you, I won’t. I’m only ashamed of betraying myself by trying to see the good in you. And because of this damage, I may be hurting him and I never want to cause him pain.
But… what if he pushes the daggers too?
Dear Daughter,
Be careful who you love. Do not awaken love until it is ready. Do not stir a resting lion. Do not play with fire.
Dear Son,
Know your truth. Be a man of integrity and remember – a man’s word is his bond. Embrace yourself and love you first. Look after the women around you.
Zaira Viteria 