deeper into darkness deeper into newness – unfamiliarity
can we slowly sink to the ocean floor
until our feet gently rest on the sand
and we take in the world around us
otherworldly, majesty
feel the pressure and behold the scenery
can we just look at each other and realize the depth and beauty that surrounds us is the same as what’s within
——
Exploring a love interest should be done s l o w l y. Imagine plummeting to the ocean floor. Too much too soon. Our bodies will implode, no? A force like that should be respected. Ease your way through. Don’t force gravity. Take your time and be intentional. You’d hate to miss anything. Enjoy the process of discovery.
We associate mirrors with vanity but I dare us to take them for what they are… and dive deeper.
Mirrors are reflective. We spend plenty of time in them and still don’t truly know the person on the other side. It’s all been surface level. Mirrors call us to reflect. Can you really sit with yourself and be alone? Do you begin to feel uncomfortable with certain thoughts? It seems like we’d rather run from who we are rather than sit, reveal and understand. Heal. Confronting the “ugly“ or less desirable traits only seems to be worth it when it’s cosmetic.
Blemish and dark circles? Concealer. Rough hairline? Shape up. Unruly brows? Threading or wax. Guilt?… Resentment? Fear… Jealousy… Anxiety? No. It will take more than 30 minutes to adjust those.
But we must. We have to start. We have to spend time with ourselves and name that thing – name that feeling. Find undertones and triggers. Learn the dark side, whether it’s for self-knowledge or to shed light and overcome the shadows. We owe it to ourselves to hold a mirror to the soul and reflect.
Ah, good ol’ Georgia. I hate to admit it but like many… the only two cities I’m familiar with, in the state, are Atlanta and Savannah. The cabin trip I was invited on was in Blue Ridge (my first time seeing the Blue Ridge Mountains!) and the estimated drive-time was under 5 hours from Thomasville, NC. So, after work, I grabbed my bags full of comfy clothing and a yoga mat and I hit the rode with Erin.
>>>Friday
We arrived around 6:00 PM, began unloading and met everyone inside. The cabin was so homey! There were three floors: the top floor had the master bedroom and a private balcony, then there was the main floor with a bedroom, bathroom kitchen, living room, and a wrap around porch (the porch had the grill and a firepit) and the bottom floor had a fireplace, bedroom, bathroom, pool table, tv and the jacuzzi. After organizing the food, Tony immediately went into cook mode. He is the chef, after all.
One thing I regret was snacking on the gummy bears and Reese’s throughout our stay. I definitely over indulged – but not just on sweets. I believe I fell asleep just before 9:00 PM.. I was so tired! I tried to fight it but I learned that if you’re on vacation… and your body needs rest, then let it!
>>>SATURDAY
I woke around 6:30 AM and I felt like a brand new human being. Tony, Andrew and Kayla were still asleep but Erin and John were up and moving about in the kitchen. There was fruit salad with melted marshmallow and it looked amazing. It was part of the breakfast soon to come. The three of us hopped in the jacuzzi in the cool morning. I melted. I woke up feeling refreshed and the jacuzzi swiftly put me on cloud 9. And with the long, shower after (I had a bomb body scrub), I was the epitome of mellow.
Is it possible to be too relaxed?
I grabbed my blanket, along with my book and sat by the firepit for a couple hours while breakfast was in the making. I had a blueberry waffle (loaded with the fruit mix), eggs, and home fries. John really did his thing in the kitchen! I took care of the dishes in the sink when I finished eating and I heard talks of taking shots. By this time, the day had barely moved into the afternoon. I wasn’t ready. But. I did decided to soak some gummy bears in the Bacardi.
While those sat, everyone eventually made their way toward the firepit. You know what’s against the law? Being around an outdoor fire without s’mores. I’m no law-breaker. S’mores stole the spotlight. Here’s where I give a shoutout to Girl Scouts for putting me on to greatness.
Not too long after, yoga was mentioned so we grabbed our mats and prepared ourselves for even deeper relaxation (I didn’t know it was possible). Erin led the session and we all agreed that it was the best, the absolute best yoga session we ever experienced. We almost went into a deep sleep toward the end. I felt as light as a feather. I need that in my life on at least weekly basis.
I spent the rest of the day by the firepit reading my book and finishing InuYasha: The Final Act. (This is my third time watching it from beginning to end).
Tony handle dinner once again! I had grilled salmon and it was amazing. Later that night I made a veggie homemade pizza.
>>>Sunday
I woke up pretty early and decided the best thing to do would be to jump into the jacuzzi. I mean, how many of us have the option to jump into a jacuzzi right when you wake up? I had to do it. Afterwards, I took a bomb shower and began to pack up my toiletries and organize my items back into their bags.
I felt as though I didn’t indulge in s’more‘s-making like I should have so I decided to make a bunch of them. I may have ruined my appetite for breakfast.
Soon enough, everyone was awake and taking advantage of the amenities before it was time for us to leave. Originally, we were supposed to leave by 11:00 AM but because we were vacationing during daylight savings (I highly recommend!) We got to check out at 2:00 PM instead. We lounged a bit and began to load the trucks. Before leaving we spent more time on the wraparound porch and simply enjoyed one another’s company. All in all, the experience was a great way to mark 2021. It was much needed.
There was so much food, that if we (a total of 6) had stayed four full days instead of two, we would have been just fine. It was beyond refreshing to not have anything planned (but to have options). The company was amazing and the atmosphere was quite pleasant. The guys cooked everything! So there was always a meal available. What a break from reality.
– transcribed from a recording taken after the experience, while sitting in the car –
Last Wednesday’s Event
It was about a week ago, I was sitting on my couch and I had my arm resting on top of my sectional. One of my cats, Mia, was sitting to the left of me and she looked like she wanted to jump up but something was stopping her. For some reason, I felt annoyed that she wouldn’t just do it. I said “Mia, Jump! What’s stopping you?’ and I gave her a little nudge. She jumped up but her rear feet scratched my arm a little bit and it *h u r t*. I was upset. Out of frustration, I gave her a push *nervous laugh* I didn’t mean to do that. I shouldn’t have done that. Understandably, she didn’t want to fall off the sofa, so she used her strength to stay on. Her back right foot scratched the heck out of my left index finger and it *b u r n e d*. I sat there as my frustrations dissolved — distracted by the pain in my finger. I looked at Mia and I said “I’m so sorry… You didn’t wanna jump and I made you jump. I shouldn’t have pushed you, I’m sorry. It’s my fault that I’m bleeding.”.
Flesh
I watched the skin. I saw the cut from the top left of my finger, to the bottom right and it just burned. I could feel the blood beginning to pool to the center of the wound. In that moment, I sat there with it because I hadn’t bled in so long. I hadn’t had a wound… paper cuts is usually as exciting as it gets for me. I haven’t fallen and scratched a knee in years and I’ve never broken a bone. My last injury where blood was present, was my freshman year of college. So with this, I sat with it… because it reminded me just how fragile I was… I am. Flesh is so delicate. I realize I move through life without acknowledging the extent of my mortality, until today.
The Close Call
During my lunch break, I decided to go fill up on some gas because I had 12 miles left in my tank. I went to Great Stops. On my way back to the office, I took O’Henry. I waited in my turning lane and to my left I saw this huge truck that moved into its right turning lane but continued straight. It continued straight where it wasn’t suppose to continue straight. There were diagonal lines in the lane in which he drove. His truck was coming straight towards me. I thought “Oh shit… he’s about to hit me.” This huge 18-wheeler on O’Henry Blvd., also known as “Death Valley” was about to hit my 2-door… and it was by the grace of God that I was able to act. I quickly shifted my car into reversed and I hit the gas and I was able to move out of its way. He didn’t honk at me… I think he knew he was in the wrong. His truck was sooo close to my car as he passed.
Definitely Destructible
If we made impact, the front of his truck would have hit me directly: on the driver’s side. Lord knows if I would have survived it. Everyone ignores the speed limit on O’Henry. In fact, people drive so fast there that I’d say it’s unsafe to do the speed limit. In that moment, I realized again my mortality is so real — not that I believed otherwise… But I’m not consistently reminded that I’m only here for a moment. That my body is not titanium… It is not made of diamonds.
I am physically destructible. I am a bubble, easily popped. We all are.
What’s there to do and where is there to go for New Years? 2020 made the world take a seat and reflect. What better way to end the year exploring a new place that inspires thought? I said I wanted to go to the beach but I was looking for a place that had a remote kind of vibe… a place that wasn’t super touristy and my objective was to check out Kure Beach. Instead, I spent the evening on Wrightsville Beach listening to music, contemplating and reflecting. There was nothing and no one out there but the beach, my friend and a blanket to snuggle in. Going to the beach at the end of the year is a win since it’s off-season and “crowdless”. I wanted to stay out on the beach up until New Year’s but there was a curfew that required everyone to be home 10 PM. That night, I had a small drink, watched a movie and went to sleep because first thing in the morning, we’d be headed to the island.
Baldhead Island, North Carolina
So, before hitting the road, we decided to go to our favorite beach drive-thru called Port City Java. I’ve mentioned this place a few times before. I always have to pull up whenever I’m in town! After grabbing some sustenance we checked out the distance from where we were. It was about an hour and 30 minute drive from Wilmington to Southport. From Southport we went to the marina, purchased our tickets and got on the ferry to Baldhead Island. The ferry almost reminded me of one of those fishing boats that you see in movies. Nevertheless, I recommend it for those who have never used water transportation before. Once we got to the island we took a 4 minute tram ride to the lighthouse called “Old Baldy“. . We later learned that most people navigate the island using a bike or golf cart because it’s so small. We spent some time around the lighthouse reading the different history plaques. The trees in the area had so much character. There’s something about the trees on the coast in the south that have this integrity and otherworldly feel to them. We began walking along the road and we kept getting passed by people on golf carts. We were aiming to go to the beach but figured it would be better to rent a bike so we turned back around and headed towards the marina where the bike rental shops were.
We got there in the nick of time, as they were about to close. So… we got a discount on ours ;). The attendant at the shop gave us a map and shared which routes we should take and some decent spots to check out. There weren’t many, as we went during off-season and most popular shops were closed. We made our way down to East Beach and South Beach followed. The view spelled out serenity. I mean, this was the exact vibe and aesthetic I was looking for to spend my last day of the year. But I suppose the first day of the year will do just fine. I wish I had brought blankets, tea and a book out there because I would’ve stayed so much longer. The tide was quite low and there was plenty of damp sand around. Half the sky was covered in dark clouds and the other was only hazy. The sky almost represented the darkness of 2020 and the newness that 2021 would bring us. After taking in the view and peacefulness around us we considered going to south beach but our thoughts were interrupted by a few heavy drops of rain that sent us running for our bikes. Thank goodness those drops of rain we’re only a scare and nothing came of it! We did make a mad dash back to the marina so that we can catch the boat on time but I looked at the wrong side of the schedule. We sat there for 30 minutes in the cold until the ferry came. Once in the car, we blasted the heat and headed back to Wilmington. But. I had to make a stop at the one and only Checkers. The reason I romanticize this place is because my Mom has told me about it and she’s from New Jersey. There have been a few times when she shared her childhood stories and would mention Checkers so, whenever I get the opportunity, I seize it. This time around I got a small regular fry, a small funnel fry, and a chicken sandwich. I also got a slushy and ice cream kind of drink but I forget the name of it. I am usually well behaved when I eat out but I had to make this one exception. In the morning, we checked out around noon and then we hit Port City Java one last time before heading back to the Piedmont.
This was the rainiest, shortest getaway I’ve ever experienced but we were able to get out and enjoy the sun! The drive down was about four hours. The rain poured during the first half of the trip. As we got closer to the coast, the sun began to break through. We unloaded at the hotel and and spent the last hours of sunlight on Wrightsville Beach.
There were plenty of people in the water and also groups of college students enjoying the view (we came during move in week). The water was comfortable and there were restaurants nearby. We did not explore so much in Wrightsville but overall the vibe was calm with a few things to do here and there.
Saturday:
So… the forecast was sunny with a chance of rain. It was HOT. We stopped at Port City Java for sustenance and I was pleasantly surprised by their menu and also the quality of food (it was our first time there). We hit the road and went straight to Carolina beach (by far, my favorite). We sat on the beach and took in the view. The thick clouds brought in obnoxious heavy rain drops here and there. Thankfully, it wasn’t a steady down pour – but it was enough to send us on our way. Did I mention how hot it was? I didn’t bring a bathing suit because yesterday was rainy but goodness. I wish I had. We walked around and came across a gift shop that sold magnets, jewelry, custom henna tattoos and clothing. When we entered, there was no one there to greet us. It took a few moments for someone to arrive. That gives me the impression that people are generally trusting in that area. As we continue checking out the shops nearby we stumbled across this place that served gelato and oh my goodness I will be back! I had pineapple rosemary gelato (a large serving) it was also vegan! I bought a lollipop as well, but I definitely want to come back and buy more and sample more of their flavors.
We went to the boardwalk and sat on the swing to enjoy our cold treat.
The next stop was Kure Beach. We decided to check this place out based off of some of the “remote” vibe pictures we saw on Google. Kure was less busy but definitely a place I would find myself coming to just to step away from what I’m dealing with in life and to disconnect. I’d like to give Kure another try. We walked down from Carolina beach I noticed it was mostly residential. We ate late lunch at Jack Mackerel’s. The drinks were fairly strong, though they tasted like juice.
Sunday:
We checked out 11:00 AM and stopped by Port City Java one last time before returning to the Triad. I’ll miss riding in that 2019 BMW 330i.
So, the gang met up at my place around 10 o’clock in the morning. I wanted to wear regular sneakers for the hike but something told me to get my hiking boots. Unfortunately, I went against my better judgment. The trip was about an hour and 30 minutes southwest from my home. I thoroughly enjoy drives under four hours – especially with loved ones. Anything longer than four hours tends to hurt my back. This was our first time going to Stone Mountain State Park in North Carolina. I believe there are a few parks with the same name on the East Coast. People usually think I’m referring to the one in Georgia, so I’ll have to check that out next! When we arrived, the visitors center was closed due to COVID-19. We grabbed a map and drove over to the trail entry at the upper trail parking lot. The longest loop trail was 4 1/2 miles and that was also marked as strenuous. There was no telling when we’d be back this way, so I urged the group to do the longest trail which I thought would also be the most rewarding. And they agreed!
Starting off there were plenty of people on the same path because the beginning segment eventually lead to the different trails the park has to offer. Even in the beginning, I was pleased by the greenery and the well marked paths. It quickly became my favorite place for hiking and I hadn’t gotten to the best part yet! So the beginning phase of our hiking experience was overall leveled but about 1/4 of the way through the incline began to kick in. We stopped a couple times. We watched hawks windsurf and got to observe a bold, unbothered doe. As well as a single dark heavy cloud. Shakira asked “What does being in the mountains do for you?”. I like nature in general so whether I’m in the mountains, meadow, near the lake, or on the beach, I am very much happy and calm and content. She had a stronger preference for the beach over the mountains since being in the mountains makes her anxious. After reaching the top of Stone Mountain, we thought that was all there was to see, so on the descent, we increased the pace. We reached a parking lot and felt a sense of accomplishment only to realize it wasn’t the parking lot we left our car at. It was the lower parking lot. And we were only halfway done.
So after getting some direction we set back out to complete our trail. The wind began picking up and the suddenly there were many more dark clouds rolling in. No more than seven minutes into phase 2 of our trip it began to rain. And then it began to pour. None of us were adequately prepared for the change in weather. I had a baseball cap. Initially, my friends (who were less excited about rain) tried to figure out what we could do but quite frankly there was nothing to be done but to accept the fact that this is out of our control. We could only keep trekking onward. The rain was fun for maybe the first 40 minutes but it later made things much more difficult. I continued to scan the scenery for shelter but we had no luck.
We went from feeling quite warm from hiking, to being wet from the rain, to being cold and soaked. One of my friends had product from her hair start running into her eye which made seeing difficult. And Bri had sprained her ankle prior to the rainfall (hiking boots >>> sneakers). What started as an optimistic trip with great vibes quickly darkened.
As we continued, we approach a high-volume narrow stream about 2 feet wide that empty into the river. It was right across our path so we had to cross it but all three of us were pretty intimidated by it. Bri was quit the soldier – we locked arms and crossed it. I’m not sure how I would have passed if I were in this situation alone. My friends were also surprised by a black snack (I missed it!). Hearing them running and screaming was a bit entertaining until I realized they were actually afraid of something back there. It makes me wonder how many times I’ve obliviously walked past a potentially dangerous animal…
There was no where to hide from the rain to take a moment and collect ourselves. As we continued on we came across this opening, this huge beautiful opening! To the left was this grand view of Stone Mountain. Or at least one of the largest slabs of stone that the park consists of. I dare say the rainfall made it even more worthwhile.
I wanted to stand in the rain and look. I wanted to stay awhile to take in the view and capture what was around me but that was not the mood of the crew. The objective was to get to the car at this point. Little did we know we had what seemed like a long way to go.
It was a mixture of beauty perseverance and chaos and one of the best memories of 2020.
This isn’t going to be easy. Per usual, I’m not sure how to start this out – so forgive me if my thoughts seem scattered. I truly wish things were different, and I know you did too.
But first and foremost…
I want to thank you for the friendship you offered. You created a space for me to be my raw, authentic self. A space that allowed me to see parts of myself I wasn’t pleased with. This friendship helped me grow through our bickering, self-reflections, mutual silence and organic conversation. Sometimes… one of us would listen while the other explored their thoughts out loud… what a healthy thing to do, indeed. Everyone needs a soundboard that takes them deeper into themselves, for clarity.
Second
Speaking of soundboards… you know how they have that echo? The same one over again until it fades? There was one theme in our friendship that echoed persistently… to our detriment. I can’t fault it. I can’t fault you. In fact, I was okay with this echo… at a low decibel. I’ve always been aware of it. But some echoes, no matter what, will demand greater acknowledgement or even reciprocation. It may grow deeper, fuller and louder. Love can be demanding. I’ve always been aware of your echo.
Third
It pains me to know what it is that you need and not being able to give this to you. I’ve mentioned before that I’d take it all away… you countered that with “why not just feel the same?”… and my heart broke for you. I’d rather remove your feelings toward me so that they could be used on someone else. Someone meant for you. I do not believe that is me.
Fourth
“Just don’t ask me why”. And then you ask. Dismay. I still won’t answer. What if my answer isn’t enough? Or even worse, what if it hurts you? What if I don’t have an answer?
I know you disagree, but I call what you’ve been through “suffering”. This whole thing has had a degree of suffering attached. It’s a leach. It took the life force of our friendship. It stripped everything away and left me bare – without our safe place.
The uglier part of me wants to be angry at you for wanting to love me in the way that you need to show love… and not in the way that I need you to give it. A part of me feels abandoned… though, mostly sadness… loss.
I apologize if this sounds selfish… I only want to share a small piece of my perspective.
I want to send this to you, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’d hate to… stir anything up… especially if you’re settled. So… I’ll send this out into the void for now, along with peace, calm and fullness of life.
Zaira Viteria 