written June of 2022

this is the part where…

… i begin to question your love for me

… i read into certain actions, comments, and inflections

… reassurance is crucial for our survival

… i begin to see things that remind me of past hurts

… i worry if we’re sustainable for the long term

… i wonder if i’m suitable for long term relationships as a healthy partner

… i allow myself to withdraw

… I spill all my worries; you take my face in your hands and kiss my forehead

This is the part where you say “I understand. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Perhaps, I don’t need to tell you how easy it is to sink. All you need to do is be still… become heavy and you’ll watch the world above you move farther and farther away. Perhaps, I don’t need to tell you how easy it is to be overcome by dark water, noise and the unknown. You may know what that’s like all too well. Do you sit at the bottom of the ocean floor and feel the weight of your world compressing you? If you do, you know not to stay too long… if you can help it. I think we sink for a reason. I need to be able to sit with ALL of who I am… and I do. It’s not always comfortable. There’s beauty in madness and art in chaos. I’ll sink, sit and acknowledge but when it’s time again… I’ll push up toward the surface and inhale a cleansing breath, until my lungs can no longer expand. As I release, I’ll push my bosom to the sky and float. I’ll observe the elegance unfolding in the heavens and reflect.