How to harden your beloved

  • Unload your worst thoughts about them and call it transparency
  • Withhold affection
  • Ignore them
  • Undermine their intelligence
  • Take their depth for granted
  • Stop getting to know them – you know enough already
  • Criticize their playfulness
  • Over explain the most simple thoughts
  • Refuse mental contribution
  • Rest in the bare minimum
  • Know nothing of selflessness
  • Change the meaning of previous statements often
  • Admit to being selfish without change
  • Imagine the worst of your beloved
  • Assume things of your beloved without seeking their input
  • Avoid tough conversations
  • Unapologetically cross their boundaries
  • Reap and deplete without sowing a seed
  • Ignore huge parts of what makes them who they are

Signs and symptoms may include:

  • Decreased vulnerability
  • Lack of closeness
  • Perceived indifference from you
  • Overthinking
  • Internal spiraling
  • Pessimistic view towards the relationship
  • Withholding feelings
  • Bracing for the end
  • Missing their partner, even though they’re physically present
  • Mental and emotional exhaustion
  • Shorter or silent phone calls
  • Surface level conversations
  • Anticipating the worst
  • Unusually seeking affirmation due to waned confidence
  • Doubt

If you notice these in yourself or your loved one, the security, trust and joy of being together has reached its sunset. The emotional damage may be irreparable between the two. However, if you’ve made vows or if you’ve witnessed a glimpse of hope, you may consider the following…

How to soften your beloved:

  • Take notice of the small things they do for you
  • Learn and practice their ways of love
  • Pay attention and be fluent in their body language
  • Consider and respect their autonomy
  • Be gently honest – always
  • Consider the impact of your actions/words on them
  • Strive to become their peace again
  • Plan an intricate surprise
  • Express gratitude for their presence in your life
  • Be so self-aware that callouts won’t feel like an attack; know yourself
  • Know that you and your beloved were created in the image of God
  • Remind yourself, the world is broken and there will always be pain in this lifetime
  • Realize that you’re deeply flawed and are in need of a savior in order to dwell with the Creator
  • Accept Jesus as Lord of your heart and mind; the Savior of your soul who laid His life down to restore humanity back to God.
  • Let your walk with Him transform your heart and renew your mind
  • Share your faith and the impact it’s had on who you are with your beloved
  • Realize you never had a full understanding of what love was until you accepted His
  • Love your beloved selflessly and witness change

An Hour Ago, I Was Almost Hit By A Car.

I just finished reading the devotional of the day inside my car. I sent my friends an encouraging voice note and also asked them to pray over me… I’ve been needing my ego to take a back seat. This morning, I got to work early. The last two slices of pound cake were waiting to be heated up alongside my ginger honey tea. I popped the trunk and grabbed my work bag and lunch box. As I was making my way down the crosswalk, I noticed a green cube car in my peripheral that wasn’t slowing down. When I turned to look, I heard the car accelerate and saw the driver looking to the left (everyone is eager to get a parking spot right in front of the building). And in slow motion, I yelled and jumped put of the way. She was so close to hitting me. I was in shock. I had to be 8 feet away from the entrance of the building… what are the odds of something like this happening to close to safety. I scanned my badge, and walked into the lobby, then sat down. I tried comforting myself. I called my mom – that helped. Two coworkers witnessed the incident and couldn’t believe what they saw. I’m thankful they checked on me. The person who almost hit me came in and apologized multiple times. She said “I didn’t see you. I’m so sorry… truly. Let me know if you need anything”. But I couldn’t think of a single need… and if I had… I’m not sure I’d have wanted her to provide it.

When I reached my desk, I finished the call with my mom. Tears fell from my face and gratitude whispered from my lips. I’m sitting here now, noticing the chatter around me. The joking and laughter… the sound of typing and mouse clicks. It’s strange how my external environment is oblivious to my internal chaos. As my body regulated, I had an epiphany. All the debt I’ve been working on paying off, the plans I make with friends and family, the studying and aspirations I have would all be for nothing if I ceased to exist. Bear with me. I know financial planning and memories with loved ones are impactful but when an individual’s light goes “out” they have nothing to show for… nothing goes with you.

The most important thing worth having and maintaining is the relationship with my Savior.

Even this incident served a purpose.

Pure Serendipity: Quepos, Costa Rica (incomplete)

Travel Dates: September 6th – September 10th, 2022
Rainy Season: May through November

The last few months, I just knew I would party hard once I got to Costa Rica. But by the time September came around, all I wanted to do was relax. The following is my recollection from beginning to end, as I would hate to forget a single detail from this trip.

September 6 – Arrival (gso>dfw>sjo)

We woke up not so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, around 5:00am. Personally, I was a bit tense because as a general rule of thumb, you should arrive 3 hours early for international flights (even though we had a domestic connection). The flight was scheduled to leave at 7:30am AND we had one bag to check in. Of course, the people at the check in booth attempted to chastise but I made it very clear what I needed (and did not need) that morning. Shortly after checking in, I dashed over to the TSA line where Kai was already showing his passport to the officer. Good timing, no? I swooped right in and showed mine next. I’m hustling toward the gate and Kai is taking his time, completely un-phased. He reminded me that these things “always work themselves out” and to just go with the flow. We make our way to the gate and I believe they started boarding. Kai was one group ahead of me and I told him to take my carry-on – just in case they ran out of room. Sure enough, after he scanned his boarding pass they informed the remaining passengers there was no more room in the overhead bins. Good luck? About 2 hours later, we landed in Dallas. We didn’t have much downtime as our final flight to San Jose was set to depart within an hour of our landing. I may have grabbed a croissant… we boarded our final flight and arrived in San Jose a little after 2:00pm. Once we got there, we got there, we looked for Avis but soon learned they didn’t have a representative onsite. Another company representative let us know there is a shuttle that will take us to Avis. A little dismayed, we left the building and looked for the shuttle, and viola, it was right there waiting for us! They loaded our luggage and dropped us off at Avis. Once we arrive, there were two people ahead of us in line. It took almost an hour to get some help. Kai checked our car> t h o r o u g h l y < and made notes of every single blemish he could find. For the last time, we loaded up the vehicle and began our 3-hour commute to the coast for our hotel. Please note: this was Kai’s first time driving internationally. Our shuttle drive over to Avis was the only insight we received on what to expect on the roads. The driving style isn’t exactly a “free for all” but there were many opportunities for surprise… in polite terms. Ultimately, it wasn’t as organized as what I’m used to back home but it works! It rained the whole time during our commute and at times it was quite heavy. Upon arrival, we were greeted by a friendly golf cart driver who would soon become out go-to guy. “Good friend” (because I forgot his name!) helped us park, loaded the golf cart, and dropped the bags in the hotel room while we checked in. The check-in process was smooth, overall with a couple hiccups. The incidental hold caught us off guard (for the room and the car actually) and we had to show the receptionist that our breakfast was included in the package. Good friend picked us up from the main lobby and took us to our room. Our room was at the top of a very steep hill. Kai was in the front seat of the golf cart and I was in the back. I was SUPER ANXIOUS The only thing on our mind was food and rest! We ordered dinner at the Arbol Restaurant, which was on the hotel premises, and had it delivered to our room. Mahi and risotto along with pork belly and mashed potatoes… Overall, it was C+. Thankfully, this was the only underwhelming food experience we had

September 7 – Settle In

This day was our first full day here and we took out time to decide what we wanted to do on… Our birthday! Puffy-faced and clothed in PJs, we stepped out onto our private balcony, took in the fresh air, and admired the view. Today we would take it easy. Breakfast was on my mind as dinner wasn’t very filling (nor satisfying). After freshening up, we made our way downstairs for brekkie. Fresh fruit was placed first and the juice of the day was fresh watermelon (sooo fresh). I ordered an egg white and avocado omelet. Though our breakfast was included, I was still hesitant to order all that I wanted until day three. After breakfast, I headed up the street (another massive hill but for cars, not golf carts) to pick up beverages and snacks. The idea was to save funds by having our own spirit supply… the intention was good! Local snacks were also on the list! I tried something called “tostones” which are smashed, seasoned, and cooked plained (I think fried). I regret not buying more and bringing them home. They were so tasty! The private beach demanded our presence. After stockpiling, Good Friend picked us up from the room and drove us all the way down the mountain to the beach. My ear popped a few times on our descent. Once we reached the pathway to the beach, the driver pointed out the monkeys in the trees. He shared there was once a time when a man trained them on how to steal. That one monkey taught all his friends. As you can imagine, it was a chaotic time. Aha, he said the man was arrested but I wonder how he was found…

On the beach, we lounged in the chairs for a bit, enjoyed our drinks, and listened to Sam Smith. We ventured out toward the water. The beach was composed of tiny rocks and pebbles (some, not so smooth). I found a light sage stone and asked Kai to slip it into his pocket. It would definitely make its way into my memory box. We walked along the beach until a rock formation prevented us to go further. I tested the water and felt how strong the tide was. I tried to walk a little further and my foot DROPPED. I retreated. The tide was forceful, the water was dark and I was intimidated. No thanks. I made my way back to the lounging chair and got comfy. Shortly after, my tummy began to itch and I felt little bumps. I made a swift exit to the suite for a shower. It also began to rain around this time. The rest of the day was spent lounging and taking in our environment. My favorite part of this day was the real, raw and meaningful conversation we had that evening. They say communication is key, but being able to express yourself clearly and finding the courage to express vulnerability is a feat. This was growth for me because though I can express my ideas clearly, I don’t usually do this in interpersonal relationships.

September 8 – Start High, End Low

So, the activities begin. After a full day of relaxation, it was time to get out there and experience new things! Today started with brekkie, of course, but this time, I tried something new! Pumpkin pancakes with salmon and avocado. I also ordered a ginger mango smoothie. Listen… when I tell you I was so pleased… I mean it from the bottom of my heart. The smoothies were also requested again, later on. After filling our tummies, we gathered the necessities and waited to get picked up for our first event: parasailing. This is something I’ve never done before. It always seemed rather peaceful but still daring. I headed over to the booth set up on the beach to check-in. We’d opted for the 15-minute ride (at the time I thought this was too short), pictures and video. We lounged on the beach until they were ready to get us set up. I stepped into my harness and the lad was letting me know what to expect/ She said everything would be a smooth process from going up into the air, to landing in the water. She said this twice and I trusted her. They hooked us up to the parachute and sure enough, as the boat went further on the water, the parachute began to lift and pull. Everything seemed to happen within 4 seconds. I was walking, then running, and yanked into the air! The beginning was quite abrupt but everything afterward was calm and beautiful. The weather was perfect and the greenish-blue water was sparkling from our view as we gained altitude. I was awestruck! I began to feel more anxious after realizing just how high up we were. I anticipated a sudden drop and this is what made me tense. The woman who strapped me in never mentioned said drop but I convinced myself it was going to happen because of the abrupt start. I said a prayer and tried to remain calm. Kai later revealed to me that my worry began to make his stomach hurt. As the boat turned around to head back, I was eagerly waiting for our landing in the water. The drone came back around and recorded the end of our flight. When we landed in the water, there was a jetski waiting for us. Mounting it may have caused a bruise. We walked around a bit while waiting for the pictures and videos to process. Kai was offered weed a few times… *crickets*. They airdropped us the media and we headed back to Makanda and went straight for the brand new saltwater infinity pool (that opened upon our arrival!). The water was cold. Kai got some photos by the edge and I stayed by the bar to order a pina colada (YUM). I hopped in the jacuzzi for a few and left to sunbathe. When the sun grew too intense, we left for the main pool for a change of scenery. We were in and out of the water until the rain began for the day. Back in the room, I spent an unusual amount of quality time with the garden tub in the middle of the bathroom until it was to leave for Emilios Cafe for dinner.

I am pretty sure we got a taxi to pick us up and take us to the restaurant. It was raining and we were in full rain gear from head to toe, but it wasn’t pouring like it was before. As soon as you walk in, we are welcome with the fun artwork, and there was plenty to find after being seated and taking in the surroundings. This location was artsy, eclectic, and had an open atmosphere. Like most of the restaurants that we went to, you weren’t separated from nature. The tone was relaxed the customer demographics were the most diverse I’d seen during my visit. The menu did not leave me wanting as there were so many options. Of course, I wanted to try something new. There was an octopus and potato starter. Reluctantly, Kai agreed. I was the first to sample it! The flavor was almost a hit but the texture was a huge miss for me. I had charbroiled octopus before and enjoyed it but I don’t believe it was cooked the same. It felt like gum. I held it in my mouth and pushed it to the side as I encouraged Kai to give it a go. He too was dissatisfied. We spit it out. Our main meal touched the table, soon after.

September 9 – Nothing but Adrenaline

Waterfall tour

September 10 – Farewell

Departure


Hi. It saddens me that I didn’t get to finish this as intended. This account deserved completion but I let it sit for too long and I no longer feel moved to reflect. I had amazing memories in a new country with a pretty great guy. In December 2022, we decided it was best for us to dissolve our relationship. The memories live on! In the spirit of reflection, be very careful of the company you keep while on vacation. I feel blessed to hold absolutely no resentment towards a former partner. I want to keep these memories… but if I had chosen wrong or gone on this trip with another, perhaps I wouldn’t feel the same. I will always be an advocate for solo trips unless you’re going with a long-time friend or lover ;).


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Mirrors

written 4.24.2021

Walk by. Glance. Check for flaws.

Carry-on.

Who did you see?

Go back. Focus. Admire. Frown.

Some things we learn to live with, learn to love or try to change

Adjust our presentation for acceptance but what about the rest?

There’s so much more to address.

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We associate mirrors with vanity but I dare us to take them for what they are… and dive deeper.

Mirrors are reflective. We spend plenty of time in them and still don’t truly know the person on the other side. It’s all been surface level. Mirrors call us to reflect. Can you really sit with yourself and be alone? Do you begin to feel uncomfortable with certain thoughts? It seems like we’d rather run from who we are rather than sit, reveal and understand. Heal. Confronting the “ugly“ or less desirable traits only seems to be worth it when it’s cosmetic.

Blemish and dark circles? Concealer. Rough hairline? Shape up. Unruly brows? Threading or wax. Guilt?… Resentment? Fear… Jealousy… Anxiety? No. It will take more than 30 minutes to adjust those.

But we must. We have to start. We have to spend time with ourselves and name that thing – name that feeling. Find undertones and triggers. Learn the dark side, whether it’s for self-knowledge or to shed light and overcome the shadows. We owe it to ourselves to hold a mirror to the soul and reflect.

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